Colinaj I owe you my life, (A true story of modern warfare

Captain Kev · #1 (**permalink**) 07-09-2006, 01:45 PM

Colinaj I owe you my life, (A true story of modern warfare)

Quote:

From Colinaj’s thread Under recorded spider
www.wildaboutbritain.co.uk/forums/insects-invertebrates/5054-under-recorded-spider.html
Now is the time to look out for & record the House Spider (Tegenaria gigantica) they come into houses around now for the winter & are soon found by screaming women folk

Capt’n Kevs personal record of sightings and of urban hand to hand combat.

9:05pm Crane fly antagonises me with daring aerial manoeuvres, obviously a scout, I was ready, I had been forewarned, Colinaj had somehow painstakingly gathered the intelligence that possible insurgence by wee beastie squatters was likely. I can’t possibly let it get away, It’s seen too much. I use the bowl and piece of cardboard technique to ensnare it, they don’t like it you know, my meticulous research indicates he snuck in through the front door; I foil his devious plans and put him out the back door.

10:55pm Lights out, watching England match, suddenly in front of me a Kamikaze spider sprints across the floor, this has no less of an effect than if a Wart-hog ran in front of my Tele.
I try not to panic, I use all my knowledge of intense warfare gleaned from watching films such as “Black Hawk down”, “Saving private Ryan” and “Platoon”, thus I momentarily stun and incapacitate him by using the “Switch the light on” ruse.
The many legged hairy sprinter was standing motionless a few feet away, staring at me in a way I can only describe as “offensive”.
“It’s a stand off”, I try to stare him out but he easily wins this confrontation, (he has more eyes than me).
Now, I know what you’re thinking, “it’s a diversion Capt’n, somewhere in your house the main heavyweight contenders are sneaking in”.
But I have no time for such thoughts, I had to think fast, I had to use all of my brain power to outwit this leggy interloper, an instantaneous decision was called for.
Hence five minutes later I distract his attention by shouting “ooh look at that, England have scored”, whereupon I dive on him and incapacitate him with a mixture of Kung fu, Wrestling and a frying pan before neatly throw him out the Kitchen window.

11:45pm Feeling smug, borders have been repelled and England have won, I can now go to bed victorious, I pause only to check doors and windows are shut and to make sure Casper the friendly disorientated woodlouse is safely wandering around in circles on the hall carpet.

AAARRRGH outside the bedroom door, on the wall, yet another Arachnid burglar.
After sizing him up (he was quite small) my courage returns, “be brave man, be brave”. I laugh in his face “HA HARR”; I take him prisoner with my cupped hands technique and snigger as he has to contemplate a lofty flight out of my bedroom window.

PS I refuse to try to identify the species of these creatures; they are prisoners of war and will thus be treated as such.

I got into bed, nerves frayed, my strained mental state could not tolerate another encounter, I slept with one eye open and am thankfully still here to tell you of this horrific encounter.

I thank Colinaj for forewarning me of the chance of these dangerous liaisons; however I do wonder how this top secret inside knowledge was acquired?. Explain yourself Colinaj or a Pitchfork wielding mod will be shortly at your door.

Anybody else have anything to report on close encounters of the hairy long legged kind?

PS this of course would not pertain to Jezlee, Imaginos and henrya who would no doubt extend their open arms and adopt them. And whom I would not be amazed if they decided to emigrate to Australia in order to be near to larger and cuddlier species.
Court marshall them I say.

Cap’n Kev (on the front line of critter insurgency)

Gill Catton · #2 (**permalink**) 07-09-2006, 02:00 PM

not too bad so far......
a fair few kamakazi crane flies with little or no fear shown in front of my highly trained feline invertebrate disposal unit (operational 24 hours judging by the legs on the carpet).

Fairly relentless assault by combat moths though......... too high for said highly trained feline even in highest flip-over-backwards jump mode - might have to try some sort of stealth aquarium net manouvers to ensure safe removal.....

they never talk though do they these invaders - never reveal their sources... hard as nails they are

Captain Kev · #3 (**permalink**) 07-09-2006, 02:23 PM

Quote:

Explain yourself Colinaj or a Pitchfork wielding mod will be shortly at your door.

This should of course have been "Pitch fork wielding "MOB",

Apologies.

Why do we have to defend our houses, possessions and woodlice, why can't they be happy to build their own winter retreat instead of usurping our abodes and scaring our loved ones?

And what do they eat?, besides Woodlice.

jezlee · #4 (**permalink**) 07-09-2006, 02:25 PM

I was sitting at my computer last night when I felt a slight tickling across my left ear .... "Leave it out" I said to my wife, "Can't you see I'm busy?"

As nothing further happened (phew!), I turned around, but she was nowhere to be seen .... but then I turned back to my computer, and there was the culprit, clinging to the front of my monitor tenaciously with all of his six Daddy (extremely) Long Legs. However, this was only a momentary respite, as he then proceeded to launch into his real mission, while I was diverted, which was a kamikaze attack on my little desk lamp .... fortunately, his repeated head-butts on the aforesaid bulb did no damage (to the bulb) and I managed to capture him using a particularly cunning trap, which is foolproof when dealing with Crane Flies .... I cupped both hands around him .... he didn't stand a chance!

Two strides across the room to the window, and with a very obviously slickly-rehearsed manoever, the window was opened, cuplrit ejected and window closed, all in the blink of an eye .... and so back in front of the computer, normal service was resumed ....

Gill Catton · #5 (**permalink**) 07-09-2006, 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Captain Kev

This should of course have been "Pitch fork wielding "MOB",

Apologies.

.

personally I think a pitchfork wielding mod could be more scary

jezlee · #6 (**permalink**) 07-09-2006, 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gill Catton

personally I think a pitchfork wielding mod could be more scary

LOL ....

Captain Kev · #7 (**permalink**) 07-09-2006, 03:17 PM

Captain Kev · #8 (**permalink**) 07-09-2006, 03:20 PM

It appears Jezlee tackles Crane flies barehanded, Not to mention Gill’s feline pest control, There’s a myth that Crane flies/daddy long legs are highly poisonous but that they somehow cannot bite, “Or can they?”, is Jezlee the reckless type who laughs in the face of adversity and death or does he know something I don’t?

I had to investigate
From
http://www.unexplained-mysteries.com...hp/t30010.html

Quote:

The Myth: Daddy Longlegs are the most poisonous spiders, only their fangs can not bite threw skin.

The Myth = FALSE!

There are three types of bugs referred to as Daddy Longlegs.

1. Daddy-longlegs (Opiliones) = The most common Daddy Longlegs is not even a spider. Its true name is Harvestmen from the order of Opiliones. They have one body section, two eyes, and don’t spin silk. They do not even have fangs, or poison glands. They eat vegetation and decomposing animal matter. So obviously this one is not poisonous, and it can not bite in the sense that spiders do.

2. Daddy-longlegs spiders (Pholcidae) = The second most common of the Daddy Longlegs name. These are actually spiders. While they do have shorter fangs then some, their fangs are about the same as a brown recluse in structure and size. Obviously brown recluse spiders can pierce skin, so can these. However their poison is not nearly toxic enough to cause any sort of reaction. On myth busters they actually did tests and research on the toxicity of their venom, and proven it is very weak. It causes less irritation then a mosquito bite, and is has a weak affect even on insects. So both of the myths are once again false.

3. Daddy-longlegs (Crane Fly) = The least common Daddy Longlegs is the crane fly. Once again not even a spider, its not even poisonous.

So in summary.

The Myth Is FALSE!

Only 1 of the 3 has any poison. And the one that does have poison, can bite, but the poison is extremely weak and causes very little irritation. You should fear the garden variety mosquitoes more.

So their poisonous reputation was just propaganda.

OK soldiers, for Crane flies, hand to hand combat is a go, feel free to punch or karate chop them as deemed appropriate to subdue.

nightshade · #9 (**permalink**) 07-09-2006, 03:32 PM

I well remember my two British Blue kittens staring with eyes like saucers at a spot on the carpet then pouncing on and eating a large housespider that did not give in easily,then both running up the lounge curtains after a crane fly!

Captain Kev · #10 (**permalink**) 07-09-2006, 03:43 PM

That's it, I'm getting a Cat

What am I talking about, I am a Cat (see Avatar)

Mr Mag00 · #11 (**permalink**) 07-09-2006, 04:15 PM

never in all my days trawling through forums, lord knows how i do any work many a deadline looming too, have encountered a more apt location fro a member on a forum and i have seen some hialrious and downright smutty too, always good for alugh, but Captian Kev's is spot on. Location:in a world of my own. Having just read this thread, he clearly is!!!!!!!! funny though, good one!

Gill Catton · #12 (**permalink**) 07-09-2006, 04:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nightshade

I well remember my two British Blue kittens staring with eyes like saucers at a spot on the carpet then pouncing on and eating a large housespider that did not give in easily,then both running up the lounge curtains after a crane fly!

see to your mind curtains......... to theirs, well camouflaged scramble nets...... got to get the training in early....

John · #13 (**permalink**) 07-09-2006, 04:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr Mag00

never in all my days trawling through forums, lord knows how i do any work many a deadline looming too, have encountered a more apt location fro a member on a forum and i have seen some hialrious and downright smutty too, always good for alugh, but Captian Kev's is spot on. Location:in a world of my own. Having just read this thread, he clearly is!!!!!!!! funny though, good one!

I'm with you. A superb rendition of the daily battle that goes on in our house but put in a way i could never have acheived. Absolutely brilliant our Kev!!

I must admit before I try to extracate these little beasties (or bloomin large ones in some cases) I try to photograph them first (but only if the are not moving - if they move so do I - in the opposite direction - fast).

Here is one that came my way the other day. Ugghhh!!

John

Mr Mag00 · #14 (**permalink**) 07-09-2006, 07:41 PM

sorry about the spelling guys??

Jonny · #15 (**permalink**) 07-09-2006, 07:55 PM

Nice one Kev, good read mate..............

Barbara · #16 (**permalink**) 07-09-2006, 08:04 PM

I really enjoyed your encounters Captain Kev, made me smile, then laugh out loud, what a tonic

Jonny · #17 (**permalink**) 07-09-2006, 08:37 PM

I don't know about you guys, but we have loads of fruit flys around at the mo and they really wind me up............

twotreehuggers · #18 (**permalink**) 07-09-2006, 10:25 PM

love it. but don't you need to get out more?

keep hugging!

Garden Carpet · #19 (**permalink**) 07-09-2006, 11:18 PM

Is this the one from your place Captain Kev... if it is .. you cant have him back... he's mine now!!!!! Any one able to id him from the terrible pic..I had already run for the camera and the ruler but forgot my specs.. wasnt risking another run.. incase he did the same. btw... I think his ma lives in my kitchen!!

John · #20 (**permalink**) 08-09-2006, 05:26 AM

[quote=Garden Carpet]Is this the one from your place Captain Kev... if it is .. you cant have him back... he's mine now!!!!! Any one able to id him from the terrible pic..I had already run for the camera and the ruler but forgot my specs.. wasnt risking another run.. incase he did the same. btw... I think his ma lives in my kitchen!!

I think you will fiond that this is the same spider as the one in my photo on post No 13. A House Spider.

John

John · #21 (**permalink**) 08-09-2006, 05:28 AM

This is a rather nice looking insect that I have found hanging around my moth trap. It is an Ichneumon wasp - Ophion luteus

John

Captain Kev · #22 (**permalink**) 08-09-2006, 07:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by John

Here is one that came my way the other day. Ugghhh!!

John

Crikey

that's no Spider, that's an Octopus!

Captain Kev · #23 (**permalink**) 08-09-2006, 08:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Garden Carpet

Is this the one from your place Captain Kev...

All the one's from my house are humanely subdued and exiled to the garden, er Garden, so you may keep that thing as your very own.

By the way, it's good to see you are right up with modern illegal alien beasty surveillance equipment. Your photo was obviously taken with the help of infra red night goggles.