Arrghhhhhhh!!!!

[WoodNymph]

Ohhhhh, the weather is so cold and the birds aren't singing anymore . How sad I feel . Has anyone got any quick pick-me-ups, jokes (anything really!) to make me, and probably many others, feel happier????! I'm really looking foward to Autumn but this is terribly depressing...................isn't it still Summer?.............I don't like feeling sad....................thankfully, the red wine does me pick me up slightly , well, quite a lot actually!!!

[Alan]

Well Deer Stalker and myself are apparently getting married, and Graham is the bridesmaid if that helps. Some of our houses are being held up by books, and most of us on here are in the 2% of the population that are in the abnormal category!

[Deer Stalker]

I only got really rude jokes & they wouldnt let me post them on here.

[WoodNymph]

Originally Posted by Alan

Well Deer Stalker and myself are apparently getting married, and Graham is the bridesmaid if that helps. Some of our houses are being held up by books, and most of us on here are in the 2% of the population that are in the abnormal category!

Oh, am I invited, what are you going to wear and what books are they????!!! I LOVE reading! Don't know how I came out but I picked orange hammer the same as Wild Woman???? Hope I'm abnormal too!

[WoodNymph]

Originally Posted by Deer Stalker

I only got really rude jokes & they wouldnt let me post them on here.

DAMN! Can't you put them on and I'll fill in any little gaps????!!

[Deer Stalker]

I think there would be too many 'little gaps'!!

[Alan]

Originally Posted by WoodNymph

Oh, am I invited, what are you going to wear and what books are they????!!! I LOVE reading! Don't know how I came out but I picked orange hammer the same as Wild Woman???? Hope I'm abnormal too!

Sorry the weddings off, he's gone and bagged off! Gave me the usual excuse of us having an open relationship....... men

Never mind us abnormals will stick together

I think I'll get some sleep now, night all

[WoodNymph]

Originally Posted by Deer Stalker

I think there would be too many 'little gaps'!!

Hee, hee!! Hope you're not too upset that the wedding is off!! How did that come about??

[Deer Stalker]

You know what some people are like. One bit of paper & they think they own you. They think its some kind of comitment.

[WoodNymph]

Originally Posted by Deer Stalker

You know what some people are like. One bit of paper & they think they own you. They think its some kind of comitment.

EXACTLY! It means nowt! Good job the whole thing's off...............any jokes, not necessarily rude ones????!!!

[Deer Stalker]

I only remember the rude ones.....they're the funniest!

[WoodNymph]

I like your style....................

[Beryl]

Originally Posted by WoodNymph

Ohhhhh, the weather is so cold and the birds aren't singing anymore . How sad I feel . Has anyone got any quick pick-me-ups, jokes (anything really!) to make me, and probably many others, feel happier????! I'm really looking foward to Autumn but this is terribly depressing...................isn't it still Summer?.............I don't like feeling sad....................thankfully, the red wine does me pick me up slightly , well, quite a lot actually!!!

This should cheer you up.

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house,
he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do?
"Feed them to the lions", he says to himself, "because lions eat anything." He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?" The other lion turns round and says,

Absolutely brilliant. Today we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees

[Deer Stalker]

What colour spade was it, red?

[Jonny]

Beryl............I liked that one, not heard it before...........

[Beryl]

Originally Posted by Jonny

Beryl............I liked that one, not heard it before...........

Oh good . I did too. My sons send me these daft joke by E-Mail

[cherrybee]

hahaha good one Beryl

[Beryl]

well some one said they need a joke so........................

[gmsmith]

Originally Posted by Beryl

well some one said they need a joke so........................

Good one Beryl

[gmsmith]

Originally Posted by WoodNymph

Ohhhhh, the weather is so cold and the birds aren't singing anymore . How sad I feel . Has anyone got any quick pick-me-ups, jokes (anything really!) to make me, and probably many others, feel happier????! I'm really looking foward to Autumn but this is terribly depressing...................isn't it still Summer?.............I don't like feeling sad....................thankfully, the red wine does me pick me up slightly , well, quite a lot actually!!!

A bit long winded but hope you enjoy.

27 students had applied for a college course, studying insects and each applicant would be invited to attend based on their basic knowledge of said subject. 24 of the 25 places available, had been filled, but there was little to choose between the remaining three applicants. It was decided that the remaining three would each take home a “spider” which they would study for one week and be given a test to determine which had discovered the most about the spider and therefore become the last successful candidate.

A week passed and all three arrived at college for there test. The first applicant was lead to the interview room and asked, “What have you discovered about you spider”
They replied.

Well, it’s got eight legs…

Is that it asked the interviewer, is there nothing you wish to add?
Not really came the reply.

Very well said the interviewer, please wait outside and ask the next applicant to come in.

They too were asked “What have you discovered about you spider”

Well said the applicant, it has eight legs and is very adept at climbing walls. It also makes what I now know is called a web, which is very pretty in the corner of the room and some flies have now come to stay with the spider on his web. I didn’t know they were so friendly. Cool.

Err… yes… Very interesting said the interviewer, please wait outside and send in the next applicant, we’ll contact you in due course.

The final applicant entered the room, they too was asked the same question. “What have you discovered about you spider”

Well, I’ve had to get another spider for the test said the applicant because I used the other one for research. The interviewer thought to himself “this sounds promising we may have found our final student”. Please carry on said the interviewer.

The applicant placed his spider on the table and said “Spider walk three paces forward” and it did! He then said, “Spider walk three paces backward” it did! The interviewer was very impressed and congratulated the applicant. Very well done I’ve never seen that done before very well done. The applicant said, I haven’t finished yet this is the clever bit. He picked up the spider and proceeded to pull its legs off! He placed the spider back on the table and said, “Spider walk three paces forward” the spider was motionless, He then said “Spider walk three paces backward” again the spider was motionless! There said the applicant, what do you think of that then?

Well said the interviewer, I was quite impressed to start with bit but now I’m not so sure, what on earth does that prove. Isn’t it obvious replied the applicant. Come on its so simple.

When you pull a spiders legs off ………………………………“HE GOES DEAF”


Sorry

Geoff

[Beryl]

Originally Posted by gmsmith

A bit long winded but hope you enjoy.

27 students had applied for a college course, studying insects and each applicant would be invited to attend based on their basic knowledge of said subject. 24 of the 25 places available, had been filled, but there was little to choose between the remaining three applicants. It was decided that the remaining three would each take home a “spider” which they would study for one week and be given a test to determine which had discovered the most about the spider and therefore become the last successful candidate.

A week passed and all three arrived at college for there test. The first applicant was lead to the interview room and asked, “What have you discovered about you spider”
They replied.

Well, it’s got eight legs…

Is that it asked the interviewer, is there nothing you wish to add?
Not really came the reply.

Very well said the interviewer, please wait outside and ask the next applicant to come in.

They too were asked “What have you discovered about you spider”

Well said the applicant, it has eight legs and is very adept at climbing walls. It also makes what I now know is called a web, which is very pretty in the corner of the room and some flies have now come to stay with the spider on his web. I didn’t know they were so friendly. Cool.

Err… yes… Very interesting said the interviewer, please wait outside and send in the next applicant, we’ll contact you in due course.

The final applicant entered the room, they too was asked the same question. “What have you discovered about you spider”

Well, I’ve had to get another spider for the test said the applicant because I used the other one for research. The interviewer thought to himself “this sounds promising we may have found our final student”. Please carry on said the interviewer.

The applicant placed his spider on the table and said “Spider walk three paces forward” and it did! He then said, “Spider walk three paces backward” it did! The interviewer was very impressed and congratulated the applicant. Very well done I’ve never seen that done before very well done. The applicant said, I haven’t finished yet this is the clever bit. He picked up the spider and proceeded to pull its legs off! He placed the spider back on the table and said, “Spider walk three paces forward” the spider was motionless, He then said “Spider walk three paces backward” again the spider was motionless! There said the applicant, what do you think of that then?

Well said the interviewer, I was quite impressed to start with bit but now I’m not so sure, what on earth does that prove. Isn’t it obvious replied the applicant. Come on its so simple.

When you pull a spiders legs off ………………………………“HE GOES DEAF”


Sorry

Geoff

Absolutely brilliant.

[Jonny]

Originally Posted by gmsmith

Sorry

Geoff

So you should be..........

[Alan]

Originally Posted by gmsmith

Well said the interviewer, I was quite impressed to start with bit but now I’m not so sure, what on earth does that prove. Isn’t it obvious replied the applicant. Come on its so simple.

When you pull a spiders legs off ………………………………“HE GOES DEAF”


Sorry

Geoff

So did he get the remaining place...

[gmsmith]

Originally Posted by Alan

So did he get the remaining place...

Errrrrrrrrrrrrrr.........

[Captain Kev]

A bloke sees a sign in a petshop window saying "talking dog for sale, yours for £5 enquire within."

he walks inside, but theres no one at the counter, just a mutt.

The chap has his doubts, but, since theres no on e around, he says to the dog "do you talk?"

The dog looks at him and says "of course, can't you read?"

"Thats incredible," says the man, "and how did you end up for sale in a pet shop?"

The dog replies "well, my unusual talent was spotted when I was just a puppy, Pretty soon I'd been recruited by MI5 as a spy. Unsuspecting criminals and terrorists would talk freely in my presence, little suspecting that I was memorising their every word. I was key witness in the Gotti Mafia trial. and it was my detective work that helped the CIA track down Saddam Hussein."

The dog continued "well eventually, the mafia put out a contract on me and so now I've decided I just want to live an ordinary canine life as a family pet, You know, fetching sticks and humping the occasional leg, So I asked the pet shop owner to try and sell me."

Just then the pet shop owner appears. he says, "I see you're talking to Rover. are you interested in buying him perchance?"

The punter says "well, yeah, but tell me why the asking price is so low, I mean, a dog like this must be worth millions."

And the shopkeeper says "that dogs a bloomin liar. He never did half those things!"