Nature Jokes

kshotton45 · #26 (**permalink**) 03-09-2007, 08:59 AM

A little penguin enters the bar and asks the barman,
"Have you seen my Dad?"
"No"- answers the barman -"What does he looks like..?"

Interpreter · #27 (**permalink**) 03-09-2007, 09:11 AM

An Irishman (sorry) walks into a bar in Dublin and puts a sack on the counter and orders a Guiness. The sack begins to maove.
"What have you got in the sack?" Asks the Barkeeper.
"Ducks." Replies the man.
"If I can guess how many ducks are in the sack, can I have one?" Asks the Barkeeper.
"If you can guess how many ducks are in the sack, you can have both of them." Answers the man.
"Three." Guesses the Barkeeper.

Another man walks into the bar carrying a duck.
"Where did you get that ugly pig from?" Asks the Barkeeper.
"It's not a pig. It's a duck." Replies the man.
"It was the duck I was talking to." Said the Barkeeper.

jdurbo · #28 (**permalink**) 03-09-2007, 10:15 AM

What's a dogs favorite job?
Rufferee!!

jen xxx

kshotton45 · #29 (**permalink**) 03-09-2007, 10:48 AM

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

jdurbo · #30 (**permalink**) 03-09-2007, 10:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kshotton45

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Excellent!!!!

jdurbo · #31 (**permalink**) 03-09-2007, 11:03 AM

What do you call a ant thats skips school??

A truant!!

jen xxx

Interpreter · #32 (**permalink**) 03-09-2007, 11:15 AM

Two WAB members went on a bird watching expedition, but unfortunately got diverted into the local hostelry, where they proceded to imitate their favourite two composers; Brahms and Liszt. Both members were vertically challenged, but managed to perch on the barstool without two much difficulty. Not too bad for two young men who were only two foot six inches tall! Just before midnight, the bar closed and everybody was thrown out into the street.
On the way back to their lodgings, the road went around the local grave yard.
"Look," said Harry, "Let's take a short cut through the grave yard. It will cut at least a mile off our journey."
"Not me." Replied Jack. "It is too eery for me. You go through the grave yard and wait for me at the other side. I will go round."
So Harry went through the grave yard while Jack followed the road around. There was no moon and so it was pitch black.
Harry took ten paces into the graveyard and b'dump. He fell straight into a freshly dug grave. Well the grave was six feet deep and he was only two foot six inches tall, so he was stuck for the night. It was a fine night and quite warm, so he settled down to go to sleep until someone came and rescued him in the morning.
Meanwhile, Jack was walking down the road and an owl flew by. "Whooooooo." Said the owl.
"This is too eery for me," Said Jack. "I'm going to catch up with Harry!"
Jack ran down the road, his little legs going like bee's wings. Into the grave yard. Ten paces in and b'dump. Straight down the open grave.
Well, Jack was jumping up and down, trying to get out and someone tapped him on the shoulder and said, "You won't get out of here mate." But he did!

jdurbo · #33 (**permalink**) 03-09-2007, 11:38 AM

What do you call an ant in space?
Cosmonants and Astronants!!

jen xxx

kshotton45 · #34 (**permalink**) 03-09-2007, 12:07 PM

Did you hear about the two silkworms in a race?

They ended up in a tie

jdurbo · #35 (**permalink**) 03-09-2007, 12:28 PM

I was in the jungle and there was a monkey with a tin opener, I said " you don't need a tin opener to peel a banana" He said " NO, this is for the custard"

jen xxx

jdurbo · #36 (**permalink**) 03-09-2007, 12:30 PM

What has four legs and one arm???
A happy pit bull!!

jen xxx

jdurbo · #37 (**permalink**) 03-09-2007, 05:17 PM

"How many sheep do you think we have?" Farmer giles asked his dog.
"Three hundred and ninty" replied the the dog.
"No i counted them today and there are only 389"
"Yes" replied the dog " but im a collie, i always round up sheep"

jen xxx

Jez · #38 (**permalink**) 03-09-2007, 05:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jdurbo

"How many sheep do you think we have?" Farmer giles asked his dog.
"Three hundred and ninty" replied the the dog.
"No i counted them today and there are only 389"
"Yes" replied the dog " but im a collie, i always round up sheep"

jen xxx

Crackerlackin!

jdurbo · #39 (**permalink**) 03-09-2007, 07:31 PM

What do you call a monkey with dynamite???

A Ba,BOOM

jen xxx

medieval knievel · #40 (**permalink**) 03-09-2007, 07:49 PM

what do you call a donkey with only three legs?
a wonky.

what do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye?
a winky wonky.

what do you call a donkey with three legs, one eye and a guitar?
a honky tonky winky wonky.

what do you call a donkey with three legs, one eye, a guitar, and a piano?
a plinky plonky honky tonky winky wonky.

jdurbo · #41 (**permalink**) 03-09-2007, 08:01 PM

There was a herd of cattle standing on a hill when an earthquake struck, all of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing.
The farmer noticed this and went and asked the bull "why did'nt you fall down like the rest of the herd"
The bull replied "We bulls wobble but we don't fall down"

jen xxx

hedgehog whisperer · #42 (**permalink**) 03-09-2007, 09:53 PM

I have enjoyed reading everyone jokes please find a couple more although they are a little lame....

Why did the queen bee throw all the other bees out of her nest?
.........Because they kept droning on!

A bird suddenly appears at a chemist's counter. "Some lip balm please" it asked. "Would you like to pay by cash or cheque", asked the assistant. The bird replied "Just put it on my bill please"!

peppermint · #43 (**permalink**) 03-09-2007, 10:15 PM

here we go...

A lonely guy decided that life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So, he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he decided on a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the centipede home, found a good location for the box, and then decided he would start off by taking his new pet out for a walk. He walked over to the box and asked, "Would you like to go to out for a short walk with me?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going out for an evening walk?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend. He waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go out for a walk!!!?"

An agitated little voice came shrieking from the box,

"I heard you the first time...I'm putting on my shoes!!!"

jen

peppermint · #44 (**permalink**) 03-09-2007, 10:19 PM

just 1 more...

What did one bee say to the other on a hot summer's day in the nest?

Swarm in 'ere innit?!

hoped you liked them.

kshotton45 · #45 (**permalink**) 03-09-2007, 10:36 PM

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another coke dogface!"
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!"
The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got some guts!"

Duke of York · #46 (**permalink**) 03-09-2007, 11:16 PM

What do you call a gorilla with ear plugs in???

Anything you like he can't hear you!

A horse goes into a bar and asks for a pint.

the barman asks "Why the long face?"

Why have elephants got big ears?

Coz Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom!

jdurbo · #47 (**permalink**) 04-09-2007, 06:27 AM

What do you call a ant from overseas?
Important

What medicine would you give to a ill ant?
Antibiotics

jen xxx

Billy Wobble Dagger · #48 (**permalink**) 04-09-2007, 09:08 AM

I wanted to go for a walk last weekend, but I wasn't sure where to go so I rang the Ramblers association, he went on and on and on and on and on..........

jdurbo · #49 (**permalink**) 04-09-2007, 01:44 PM

What do you call a cow with no legs??
Ground beef.

jen xxx

StuartDH · #50 (**permalink**) 04-09-2007, 02:17 PM

I've just been through and deleted some of the bluer jokes. Please remember to keep them clean and suitable for family viewing. As a quick test, imagine a school kid reading one and asking their teacher what it means - don't make the teacher blush and certainly don't end up with me having to explain it to the headteacher.

Stu

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